While we are going about are day, we are using the 28 thinking skills to do what we want to do.
We use these thinking skills to cook, travel, send an emails, fulfill orders, anything and everything, including our relationships.

If any of the 28 thinking skills are weak, it can be hard for us to do what we want to do. 

If you are struggling to connect with a loved, there's a high possibility you have a weak thinking skill of egocentric communication. 

I know that’s a strong term, that’s that one Professor Reuven Feuerstein, the one who identified the 28 cognitive functions used.
The nicer way to say it is considering another person’s perspective.

Yes, this can be considering what another person is saying when they’re talking or you’re making a decision, but it also goes much deeper.

What are they not saying?
What are they feeling?
How is this affecting them?
What do they not realize what they’re not saying?

1. Pause Your Movie
When a person speaks, we automatically have a movie playing in our brain, imagining what the person is saying. However we usually have our perspective of the movie playing.
When your loved one is talking, put your movie on hold and play their movie.
You’ll get to play your movie as soon they finish talking.

2. Ask specific questions
If you listened to episode 354 you know I’m a massive fan of meditation.
Mediation is a process of asking them questions to help them come to a conclusion themselves.
If your loved one comes to you for advice, instead of telling them what you want, ask them questions to help them understand themselves better and come to the conclusion themselves.
So ask them specific questions to help them come to the conclusion. They should be open ended ones (not ones that they say yes or no) but they should be leading them towards where THEY want to go.
You may not know where they want to go at the start of the conversation, that’s why you’re asking them questions to help figure it out.
It’s true, this process takes more time, but if they feel like you’re asking them questions because they really care about them, no passive aggression here, then they’ll feel a lot more connected.

3. Wait for their response
We live in fast paced world where people don’t have patience.
A great way to connect with someone and see their perspective is to wait patiently to hear what they have to say.
When a person get full undivided attention it, it actually releases oxytocin to the brain.

4. Ask them what they want and where they see the relationship going.
Whether it’s a spouse, friend or business partner, asking them where they think the relationship is going will give you a very direct perspective of what they are desire.
It’s a great way to discuss what you each have in mind, see what’s in common, where you differ and how you are going to make this work.
Just make sure it’s done in a loving, kind way.